Because I love my wife:

Though this entire blog is grounded in truth, I must state that vast liberties have been taken in order to make everything as me as it can be, essentially meaning that she is not authentically portrayed 100% of the time. I, however, am very much the jackass I appear to be.

My wife is already proving herself to be a perfect mother. I, on the other hand, feel privileged in being able to claim ignorance as a father for the entirety of the pregnancy, as there is no physical bond between the child and myself.

Here is a list of ways this non-physical divide benefits me:

  • My wife eats with a nutritional mindset while I eat with a fat guy mindset.
  • When I get drunk, I’m not potentially murdering anyone.
  • Anytime I have something living inside of me it is likely based on a dare; a dare in which I probably made off with at least $1.38.
  • She says “it’s for the baby,” and people are very unimpressed. I say “it’s for the baby,” and people treat me like a hero. For instance, I purchased a colorful rattle the other day, said “it’s for the baby” and the cashier smiled. She obviously didn’t realize that I had been buying colorful rattles almost weekly for years.